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What Scares Me

I find it interesting that people ask me the same questions or offer the same advice. A few weeks ago I heard the same piece of advice from several people, separately, and then interestingly enough, a sermon that said the same thing. It felt like the Lord saying "Okay, I'm going to repeat this to you SEVERAL times, so LET IT SINK IN." Message received.

In the past week, no less than five people have asked me what my fears are regarding Jim being gone. Oddly enough, his personal safety isn't really a fear I have. I don't know if that's denial, or peace from the Lord, or if I can't go there or what. It's kind of nice to not be worrying about that, though.

What does scare me though are the inevitable changes. What if he comes back not the same? I would think that things that he will likely experience will change him, and it has crossed my mind that it could change him significantly. Let me just say, in case you haven't figured this out yet, that the whole army thing was NOT my plan in any way, shape, or form. Before about a year ago, I didn't think it was his either, so clearly there has already been some changing going on.

I just kind of wonder if we will still recognize him when he gets back. Not only that, will he still recognize us? I mean, I know most of us will look the same (although - if the oldest changes as much in the upcoming year as she has in the past year, she may very well NOT look the same!) but things will be different here too. I'm wondering how to go from handling everything to letting go of some of the control.

I know it's a one day at a time thing, and that bridge will have to be crossed when we get to it, but it's a fear that I have NOW.

I think these things are even bigger fears for me than hurricanes, and that's saying A LOT. I'm nearly panic stricken at the thought of another hurricane, which is really silly when I think about it. We didn't pack alone for Rita, but we did leave alone. For Gustav, we packed with his help but left alone. With Ike, we did it all alone. And we managed to survive each time. I don't know exactly why the fear of a hurricane stays at the forefront of my mind, but it's there.

Okay, so now I'm rambling. I've just been thinking about what scares me lately, and people have asked, so there it is.

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