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Why the change?

Was "Pressing Forward", now "Seeking Contentment". I think this is where I am in life right now. Seeking contentment with my life situation, seeking contentment with myself personally, seeking contentment in my motherhood abilities, seeking contentment with my family. It may be a surprise to some of you, but I definitely have some high maintenance in me. Okay, maybe a LOT of high maintenance, and I know to at least a few of you, that is NO surprise! I'm spoiled and have found that being spoiled works pretty well for me. I like things the way I like them and don't like change so much.

The Lord has been working on me for a while in the area of contentment. Just to be thankful for what I have and not continually strive for more. This has been since long before Jim left, or was even planning to leave. The girls both had the same verse to memorize in AWANAS last year: Be content with what you have because the Lord has said "never will I leave you or forsake you." So we can say with confidence the Lord is my helper. (Hebrews 13:5) Let me just say -- if I'm going to be content and not continually strive for more more more, I definitely need the Lord to be my helper.

And it's not just material things. Maybe that's part of it, but not even the bulk of it. It's just a struggle with discontentment, and I'm not entirely sure I can even put it into words. I've tried to explain it but then what I write either sounds stupid or doesn't make sense. I've given up trying to explain it.

Here's a "for instance": I'm sitting here planning our homeschool year right now. This is a big struggle for me. I want to do it all. I want to have children who sit at their desks and look at me and say "Mother, darling, what shall we learn today?" And then they do their work without arguing or complaining. I want to direct them without having to make *that* face. I want to be content with me as a teacher and with them as students. This is kind of in opposition with my desire to push them further and further along. To let go of some of my ideals and yet to do the best job I can by them, and to not expect them to be superchildren but to still challenge them. It's a fine line and a big struggle for me. We have everything laid out and just need the plans made. I'm trying to do that now and well ... I want to be content with who I am and who they are, and trust that the Lord who called me to this task is sufficient to equip me for it. Be content, He is my helper.

Anyway ... there's more, but I think this is enough of a post for now. :)

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